Jake & Jamie Part 3

Dear Jake,

Thanks for being so kind when I told you about my secret. I’m sorry it upset you, to be honest, it upset me too as I was writing it. I kind of pushed it out of my mind all these years and haven’t really thought about it, so telling you was making me feel like I was…reliving it, in a way. But anyway, thank you again.

It sucks that you’re not close to your family, although I hated that my parents were so overprotective, we’re actually really close, especially now that I’m older and I am understanding more of why they were the way they were, I really value our closeness. How did your brother Darrell pass away? If you don’t mind me asking. He never found out it was you that took the car, right? So why did your relationship change after the accident?

You know Jake, I never thought about it that way…that having a lot of siblings would mean your parents would have less time for you. Wow. It must have been very hard wanting their attention and feeling like you had to act out or fight for that attention. I just never really thought about that aspect of it. And it sounds like they both worked really hard to make ends meet, so if you add that into the mix, they just didn’t have the time that was needed to devote to each kid. Man, that’s tough, I’m so sorry. Why were you close to Darrell but not the other siblings? Were you guys closer in age or was it that you just had similar personalities so it was easier to get along? 

And yeah, you’re right, my parents were scared about losing another child and that’s why they were so over the top. Of course back then I was not thinking that way, all I knew is they were suffocating me and I hated it. But now when I look back, like I said before, I can understand it. I think that’s part of the reason I don’t want kids. I am scared I’m going to be a horrible mom and my kids will hate me and be all screwed up because of the mistakes I make. Do you ever think about that? Being a bad parent and messing up your kids? It seems like you want them so badly, and I get it, legacy and all, but do you ever fear you will do more harm to them than good? Then what legacy will you really be leaving behind? Trauma? I hope that wasn’t too negative, gosh, I’m sorry, but I hopefully you understand what I’m saying and I hope I didn’t offend you. But, how do you know I’d be an amazing mom when I don’t even know that? We hardly know each other, yes we definitely have a connection that feels like we’ve known each other for years, but, how do you know I would be a good mom? Ugh, I wish I was that confident that I would be a good mom, or even at least a decent one. 

And yes I was cheer captain lol. Gosh is it that obvious. You know, I never really thought about leaving this earth and being forgotten. Omg, I’m all over the place, sorry, the cheerleader thing just popped in my head lol but I haven’t really thought about the afterlife or about death really. I don’t know. Now that you mention it, I don’t think I have a fear of being forgotten if I don’t have kids because, I have such deep relationships that I know I won’t be forgotten. As a teacher, I’m touching so many lives. I’m really making a difference and I know the impact I’m having on some of these kids will last forever. And I’m sure the same goes for you! Have you ever thought about it that way? That the meaningful relationships you have will make a lasting impact? And I’m totally ignoring the fact that you said, when we have kids lol you would have to first convince me of even having kids, then we’ll talk and see if I believe WE should have kids lol. I know you were just joking by the way…haha…wait… you were joking…right? Right? Lol. And, you say “son,” as if you are certain it will be a boy? How do you know you won’t have a girl?

Is that why you and your fiancé broke up? Because she didn’t want kids? I can see its a very upsetting topic for you and I know you said you don’t want to discuss it any further but, if we’re going to try to be in a relationship or whatever…I don’t want to get too invested only to find out that you don’t want to be with me because I haven’t changed my mind about having kids. And it’s not something, I’m 100% against, I just never saw myself with kids, but I am definitely open to the discussion of having them. But if you don’t want to answer any more questions about her that’s ok, I don’t mean to pry. 

On a lighter note, did you really call me fish killer?! Ugh! I can’t believe you! I think if it wasn’t a part of my chores to feed the animals on the farm, they all would have died of starvation too. SMH. Ugh, I’m terrible, I’m just kinda in my own world sometimes and I don’t think about things until much later. 

Also, I think it’s brave to sell your business and start all over, it won’t be easy but it’s best to follow your heart. I’m sure you can start another successful business to leave your daughter hehe lol. And as far as selling it and traveling, I’ll only approve of that if you plan on taking me with you! lol

By the way, I will definitely send you some FULLY CLOTHED pictures, you seem like a really nice guy and I wouldn’t want to corrupt you lol. I love the pics you sent me by the way, where did you take them? The background looks really old and vintage. But anyway, I love them! You are more handsome than the last time I saw you on the train! Sooo totally crushing right now! Lol! Speaking of seeing you, I haven’t seen you on the train in awhile, did you get a car or something? Lol.

So it’s almost Christmas…kinda! Do you have anything special planned?? What about for thanksgiving?

Okay, Later Jake. Can’t wait to hear from you. 

Sincerely Jamie,

11/23/1997

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Dear Jamie,

My thanksgiving was good. Nothing special, just had dinner with the folks. What about you? How was your Thanksgiving? It is almost Christmas lol, do you have anything special planned? If not, do you want to maybe get together the weekend before Christmas? Oh and you haven’t seen me on the train because I haven’t been riding it lol I’ve been catching a ride to NJ with a friend. But I might be on there at some point, I'll let you know.

Darrell and I, well he was the only sibling I was really close to, I think it was because we were close in age. He was 10 months older than me, Irish twins they called us. And also, we just clicked. We could tell each other everything, there’s nothing we wouldn’t do for each other. After the accident, things just changed. Can’t really put my finger on how or when but when I think about it, maybe the guilt of knowing how hard my parents were on him for something I did, just got to be too much, I guess. I withdrew from my family, I mean we were already distant but it got worse, and somewhere along the line, I ultimately withdrew from Darrell too. I threw myself into sports and became really good at running track and playing baseball and even had a full scholarship to play baseball at Arizona State. I was a pretty big deal in my small hometown of Oxford. I became very popular and that’s what I always wanted, to be seen and accepted, but I guess I also became a really big jerk and although I had a lot of friends, it was all surface because I kept everyone at arms length. It’s hard to really connect with people when you’re carrying a secret. Darrell on the other hand, started spiraling. He was a grade ahead of me and was a straight A student but he started getting bad grades and failing classes, he almost didn’t graduate high school. His already rocky relationship with my parents grew even more estranged. He left home and went to the local community college and it seemed like he was doing really well, things were turning around for him. I guess being away from home helped. I don’t know, but about halfway into his first year we got a call that he passed away. They told us he drove his car into a lake. There was no note, but his roommate said he was taking a lot of credits because he was in this accelerated program and his first semester he had taken a ridiculous amount of credits and aced all his classes and I guess the second semester was too much? I don’t know. I can’t help but think if our relationship was the way it used to be, when we were close, he would have reached out to me instead of…doing what he, did. 

But since we’re talking about all kinds of stuff that I don’t really like talking about, I guess I can get into a little more about what happened with my fiancé. She found out about some things and, well I guess, I should say, I told her about some things from my past and we disagreed on how to move forward. I also wanted to go public with our relationship, we had been keeping it a secret for almost 2 years and I was done with keeping it a secret but she didn’t want to tell anyone. It was a recurring point of contention in our relationship. So no, we didn’t break up because she didn’t want kids, she actually did want children, she used to say she wanted a whole football team of children. We were really aligned on that. 

You want to know how I know you’ll be a good mom, Jamie? Because I just know. The first time I saw you, I knew. There’s something so special about you Jamie and the more we talk the more I’m convinced I was right about you all along.

Let me know if you’re open to spending the weekend together or if that’s moving too fast, we can always just go to dinner. It’s just with the distance, I figured it would be a better use of time if we made it a whole weekend. I’m supposed to be in NJ the weekend before Christmas, so we can get together then? I can get a hotel somewhere close to you and we can do dinner one night and maybe go for a walk in the park the next day or just see how things go. Let me know. Hope to hear from you soon. 

Yours 4ever, J.

11/30/97

Spend the weekend together? What should Jamie do?

• Her bags should already be packed! This connection is unreal
• Uhh let's just do dinner. I literally don't know you.
• Can we keep talking some more? I'm still undecided.