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Dear Jake, I went to see your parents. In Mississippi. They weren’t that hard to find. Like you said, you were a “big deal” in your small hometown of Oxford. The high school baseball star. Full scholarship, predicted to be one of the greatest…until tragedy hit.  I guess I should start from the beginning huh?…When you didn’t answer any of my emails, especially after I told you that I was pregnant. I did some research and figured out where your parents lived and I flew to Oxford. They were…interesting. They showed me so many pictures of you, your face hasn’t changed, one bit. They told me all about your childhood, although their version is quite different from what you’ve told me. You only have one sibling, Jake…your brother, Darrell. Your twin  brother, Darrell. Not “Irish twins” like you claimed, actual twins. And you guys are pretty well off. You said you ate PB&Js and ramen, because money was so tight. Jake do you even know what ramen  is? I highly doubt that because I’ve spent the last several hours sitting in the “east-wing” living room, in the mansion  you grew up in. Was anything you’ve told me the truth? They told me about your girlfriend, or should I say, your fiancé that you were so secretive about, “He was so in love with her, but no matter how much we tried, he wouldn’t tell us who she was.” Your mom said sweetly.  Mrs. Dawson, the doting mother. “I promise mom, I’ll tell you who she is when we get married after graduation. It will all make sense, just trust me.” You promised her. But that didn’t happen. Did it? You didn’t keep your promise.  They told me about what happened. How you and your twin got into a car accident. I did see that in one article, ‘Local boy, star baseball player injured in fatal car crash…Baseball career over…” blah, blah, blah. What the article failed to mention, was the fact that you were driving and you were drunk. Your dad filled me in on that part. He’s a really kind and sweet man, you must take after your mother. You see your mom left us sitting there in the east wing  living room, she left to get us some tea, and your dad, well, he had a lot to say.  “My boy, I couldn’t save my boy, my sweet boys,” Mr. Dawson cries. “What do you mean, you couldn’t save them?” I replied.  “Jake, he promised he wasn’t drinking anymore. He promised me he stopped. Especially after…” Mr. Dawson says, still crying. “The article mentioned they got into a fatal car accident, but Mr. Dawson, what happened?” I said. “My boy, my sweet boys. Darrell died. He died in the accident. Jake was driving. He was drinking…again. He promised me he stopped drinking, I made him promise me, especially after…” Mr. Dawson says sobbing. “He promised you he would stop drinking ‘especially after,’ after what Mr. Dawson” I questioned.  “The little girl. She was so little. He killed her.” Mr. Dawson continues to sob. “Little girl? What little girl?” I say confused.  “The little girl with the yellow dress. He was driving and drinking. He snuck out in the middle of the night and he hit her. He killed her. She was so little.” Mr. Dawson says, “We covered it up. I didn’t want to, but my wife…‘This will ruin his life. It was an accident. She’s dead and there’s nothing we can do about it now. Why ruin two lives. He’s our son. We have to protect him’” Mr. Dawson explains.  “Your wife, made you cover it up?” I say slowly. “She was so little. There was so much blood on the car. We got rid of it. ‘We have to protect our son’ She kept saying, ‘We have to protect our son, this will ruin his life’” Mr. Dawson says almost trance-like.  “Who was, she?” I ask cautiously.  “Lilly.” Mr. Dawson said quietly. “Lilly?” Mrs. Dawson says walking back into the living room, “What’s this I hear?” I knew I couldn’t say anything to her, the look on your dad’s face told me that much.  “You know Jamie, my poor husband has dementia, sometimes he says things that aren’t exactly…based in reality. He gets things mixed up all the time. Lilly, was his...aunt, she passed away.” Mrs. Dawson says, slowly pouring our tea, never taking her eyes off me. I nodded.  Lilly. My  Lilly? In one of your emails you said, “The yellow dress she’s wearing…” But Jake, I never told you what color dress she was wearing. So how did you know? How else could you have known unless…unless it was you. Unless, it was you this whole time. You killed my Lilly. You killed...my sister.  I needed to get out of there. I couldn’t breathe. “Umm, excuse me, but would it be okay if I had a look at Jake’s room, I think it would really help the article I’m writing, it would give me a real sense of who he was?” I said to your mom trying to hold back the tears that were trying to betray me. Yeah, I didn’t tell them who I really was, I was going to, but as soon as your mom opened the door, I just heard myself say, “Hi, I’m Jamie, I’m writing an article about your son’s old baseball team and I wanted to see if I could get some details from you, since he was the star, Jake’s going to be the focal point of the article”. I guess your mom was so flattered that someone wanted to write an article about her darling son that she didn’t bother to question why someone would be writing an article about an old high school baseball team.  “Uhh, I don’t think so,” Mrs. Dawson says, “We don’t really go...in there.” “Oh let the girl have a look. It’s about time someone go in there,” Mr. Dawson says looking at me carefully, “I know it will make that article  she’s writing so much better if she got to look around at Jake's room. I’m sure she will leave everything as is. Won’t you dear?” I opened my mouth, but no words came out, so I just nodded, yes. Your mother led me to your room and as soon as she closed the door, I fell on the floor and burst into silent tears. Putting my hand over my mouth to muffle my screams. I laid on the floor crying and that’s when I saw it…this little box under your dresser…and inside a journal. Your journal. A journal that would reveal more truth than I could handle.  **** Jake's journal entry: August 1972   I used to hate that mom’s shrink made me write in this journal, “its so stupid” I would complain, but now I write almost everyday. It’s been awhile, its been insane these last few months, but I’m glad I’m finally getting to write. I can’t believe Darrell saw us, we’ve been so careful this who time. Melissa and I were in the woods and we were arguing, again. I thought I could trust her, I mean we were going to get married at the end of this year, if I couldn’t tell her the truth, how were we going to make it? So I told her what happened all those years ago. How I got drunk the summer before high school and took a dare to take my dad’s car for a joy ride and I crashed the car. I didn’t tell her I hit anyone, but she figured it out quickly.  “Wait, did you kill Lilly, Jake? Tell me? That was the same summer she was killed! Was that you? Is that why your dad got a new car that same  summer?” Melissa screamed.  “Shut up Melissa! Someone will hear you!” I snapped.  “Oh my God, it was you. You killed her. Jake she was only 5 years old. The whole town was so shaken up. No one knows what happened, but this whole time it was you.” Melissa cries, “You have to go to the police. You have to go to the police.”  “Melissa, shut up, stop screaming. She just came out of no where okay. What was a little girl doing out in the middle of the night anyway?” I screamed back at her. “Go to the police? Are you crazy? That was years ago. I’m not going to ruin my life for something that happened so long ago. I’m going to Arizona state to play baseball!”  “Baseball?...I don’t even know who you are," Melissa said calmly, "If you don’t go to the police, then I will,” Something in her voice told me she meant what she said. I’m not really sure what happened after that, but next thing I know Melissa is laying on the ground, blood pouring from her head, and I’m standing over her.  “Jake what did you do!” Darrell screams. I look down at my hands and see a rock. “Jake what did you do?” Darrell says again rushing to Melissa. He’s touching her neck and shaking her, “Ms. Ross? Ms. Ross? Are you okay?” Darell says shaking Melissa harder. “She’s dead. She’s dead, Jake,” Darrell says his whole body trembling. “Jake why were you here in the woods with Ms. Ross? She’s our high school teacher, what the heck were you doing out here with her? Jake answer me!”  Darrell was freaking out asking me all these questions. But I just stood there, frozen. I guess I was in shock or something. I guess you could say that’s when my life really took a turn for the worst…Like a domino effect…everything came crashing down and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Turns out Darrell followed me after I refused to tell him where I was going, he lost me in the woods but eventually found me just as I hit Melissa in the head with the rock. He told me that when he instructed me to run home and he would ‘take care of everything,' I just stood there and didn’t move. He said he had to physically push me so I would leave. Of course, I don’t remember any of this…That Monday when the substitute teacher, Ms. Stone walked in the classroom that’s when the reality hit. Melissa was really gone. Then a few weeks later, the principle came to tell us that they found Melissa’s body in the woods in some ravine, some "hiking accident," they said. I asked Darrell what he did, but he wouldn’t tell me, only kept saying, “I took care of it”.  He was different after that. And if that wasn’t enough, I guess they did an autopsy because few months later we all found out Melissa was 5 months pregnant. How could she not tell me she was pregnant with my baby? She knew how much I wanted to be a father. Once it came out that Melissa was pregnant, Darrell really started spiraling. He just couldn’t keep his cool. He was already struggling with what he did…what I  did. But when he found out she was pregnant, he couldn’t take it anymore and he wanted to “turn himself in”. Turn us  in. He says he would only confess to his part,  but of course they would figure the rest out, eventually. They would figure out it was me who killed her and our baby. They would’ve probably turned it into some tale that I didn’t want to ruin my bright future with a baby, but they would have been completely wrong, but that’s how it would have appeared. No one would have believed me. Believed how much I loved her, believed that we fell in love the moment we saw each other in the hallway my 10th grade year. I wanted to scream it from the rooftops but Melissa said no one would understand our love. They would say it was “inappropriate,” so we had to keep it a secret until I turned 18. So we did. I didn’t tell anyone. Not even my best friend, my twin. Keeping that secret from him was so hard, because before then we told each other everything. But now I was on my own. I really don’t see how mom would be able to use our money and influence to cover this one  up. Not like last time. I love my brother, but I just couldn’t let him ruin my life. Not after everything I had been through, everything I had overcome. So, I did what I had to do. I told him we were going to drive to the police station to confess, but instead I drove the car straight into a tree, right before we crashed, I unbuckled Darrell’s seatbelt. He went through the windshield. He died instantly, they said. He didn’t suffer. I told my parents I was drinking and it wasn’t my fault, that it was an accident. But I wasn’t drinking, I only said because I knew they would help me, like last time. And, they did. They made sure the police ruled it an accident without any further investigation. “Can’t you see what this has done to our family already. Leave my son alone and stop asking him so many questions, he’s just a kid and he just loss his twin brother. Leave him alone. The Sheriff, our really good  friend, can question Jake when Jake is ready to answer questions,” mom said in the hospital that day. I can always count on mom. Everything was going to plan, but after the police left, the doctor came back into the room, “I’m so sorry to tell you this son, but the MRI came back, its not simply a broken arm, you have multiple ligament tears in your shoulder and elbow. I’m sorry son, but the chances of you ever playing baseball at a professional level are…” I didn’t hear anything after that…just heard my mom and dad crying in the a distance. My life was ruined.  I love you Darrell. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I killed you, my best friend, I’m sorry but I just couldn’t let you ruin my life, but in the end…I ruined it myself. What sick irony.  This feels good. Finally getting it all out. Thanks for always keeping all my secrets safe. And I know you’ll keep this one too…in my last journal entry.  **** “Mr. and Mrs. Dawson, thank you so much for your hospitality, I just have one more question.” I said as I came downstairs and found your parents in the living room where I left them. “Where can I find Jake? The last thing I could find was about the accident, but where is he now ? Is he still in Mississippi?” “Oh dear,” Mr. Dawson says. He looks at his wife then back at me, “Jake, he…” “What is this really about?” Mrs. Dawson says sharply, the nice and sweet tone gone without a trace. “What do you mean?” I ask, “I just think that, if I could hear from Jake himself and get a direct quote for my article, it would be better,” I say slowly realizing how ridiculous that sounds as soon as the words leave my mouth. “I won’t ask you again,” Mrs. Dawson says taking a step closer towards me, “You’re not writing an article. What are you doing here? Who are you? Are you some reporter?”  “No, I’m not a reporter,” I say. I take a deep breath and try to explain, “I’m sorry, its just, I met Jake and now I’m looking for him. I really need to talk to him. It’s okay that he lied about his age, I just have something really important that I need to talk to him about.” “You met him?” Mrs. Dawson says slowly, “How old are you?” “22,” I say, “Look I promise, I don’t mean any trouble, I just need to talk to him, it’s really important. I know he’s always wanted kids and I’m pregnant.” I blurt out before I could stop myself. “Pregnant? What does that have to do with my Jake?” Mrs. Dawson snaps.  “He’s the father,” I whisper.  “He’s the father?” Mrs. Dawson repeats laughing hysterically, “That’s a new one. Look, you can go try your con on someone else. Now get out of my house!”  I just stood there, I couldn’t move. Tears slowly falling down my eyes. “I said get out of my house!” Mrs. Dawson screamed again. “Dear, please stop screaming, I’ll take care of it,” Mr. Dawson says leading your mom away to another room. He comes back a few minutes later, and I’m standing there in the same spot, still unable to move… “Jamie, please, tell me what’s really going on. Why did you come here?” Mr. Dawson asks quietly. “I don’t know why I told you all those things before but all these years it’s been weighing so heavily on me…maybe if we made him take responsibility the first time, maybe Darrell would still be alive and maybe…” “Where is he?” I hear myself ask. “Jamie,” Mr. Dawson says sadly. “Where is he?” I say again sternly. Your dad didn’t say another word, he just took my hand and led me to the back yard and pointed at the ground. “We found him in Darrell’s room few days after the accident. The gun was still in his hand. There wasn't a note, but we knew why. He blamed himself for the accident that killed his brother and ruined his baseball career. My wife couldn’t handle the town knowing that we had lost two sons in such horrific ways, so we buried him right there. She tells everyone that he left for university aboard, and at some point, people stopped asking questions. My wife is very convincing.” Mr. Dawson explains.  I don’t understand.  How can I be standing over your grave? How could you have killed yourself in 1972 after the accident? Years before I was even born. If you’re dead and you’ve been dead for over 20 years, who have I been speaking to all those weeks? How did we spend that time together? How did...we make love? You said you wanted to leave a legacy. To never be forgotten. You said having kids would be the way you could leave a piece of you here, after you’ve gone. “The thought of leaving this earth without offspring is unimaginable to me”…That’s what you said.  But you’re dead. You’ve been dead. You’ve been dead this whole time. So what has been growing inside of me for the last 7 months?  Jamie 7/25/98 THE END.

Dear Jake, Wow, I’m so sorry that happened. I guess the car took most of the impact when you ran into the tree, but I’m so glad you weren’t hurt and glad no one else was hurt. It would have been much worse if you had been injured, and no, I don’t think you’re a horrible person. I get it trust me, I understand the pressure of wanting to be liked by the “popular” kids. Being accepted is a basic human need and I think if we would all just acknowledge that, it would make it so much easier to give that acceptance to others…and to ourselves. Now that I’m a teacher, I can see how much the kids who aren’t as readily accepted are struggling. It is so painful to watch and see the longing in their eyes, they yearn for acceptance from their peers, especially the acceptance of the “popular” kids. So no, I do not think you’re a horrible person; transitioning from middle school to high school is so stressful, a lot of my 5th graders are having a hard time with the anticipation of transitioning to middle school. So I get it. It just makes me regret some choices I made when I was in high school. I really wish I was nicer and a little more accepting, but I can’t go back so all I can do now is try to talk to my kids about being kind and accepting, like I wish I was. Hindsight is 20/20 you know. So try not to beat yourself up about it, you can’t go back and change things, but maybe see what you can do now to make up for it? Maybe something like mentoring some young kids so they don’t make the same mistake? Do you think this is something you plan to tell your parents now that you’re older? Do you guys have a close relationship that would make you feel comfortable telling them? Or what about your siblings? Are you close to them? Thank you for your vulnerability Jake, most guys don’t open up like this so this is very new to me, and I must admit, it feels really good. So to answer some of your question, uh actually I don’t  like kids like that, I know that’s crazy. I’ve considered having them, but I don’t know, it just seems like a lot of responsibility, you know. That’s why I teach. I enjoy the kids for the day and then I get to go home, LOL. I love what I do, don’t get me wrong, but I really love the fact that I can step away from it at the end of the day. I’m sure that sounds terrible, but I hope you get what I mean. I just couldn’t imagine having a whole human depend on me for everything ! And yeah, I’m not married, I’m single. Single and crushing on the guy from the train, lol. I think it’s really cool that you want to learn to play the saxophone; it’s such a beautiful instrument. And you can definitely play for me anytime, anywhere! I am all ears! You mentioned selling your business didn’t work out, are you going to continue pursuing selling?  Ummm, my childhood was pretty normal as well. I am an only child. I had an older sister, but she died before I was born, she was almost six years old when she died. My parents don’t really talk about it, but her room is still there…untouched, frozen in time, like a shrine. When I was young, I used to see my mom coming out of there crying. I used to ask her about it, but I quickly learned that was not a topic that was up for discussion. All I know is she was hit by a car when my parents were visiting my grandparents. It was a hit and run. They think it could have been a drunk driver. Anyway, enough of that sad story…geesh, it always hurts to talk about, even though I never knew her, she was still my sister, you know. As far as likes and dislikes, I like animals too. I don’t actually own any, but I wouldn’t mind having a few. I did have a fish once, but it died. Apparently you have to feed them more than once a month, someone should really put that on an instructions manual or something lol. But honestly, I think it was a really busy time for me and I just forgot to feed the darn fish lol. But don’t worry, if I have kids one day, I know to feed them more than once a month LOL. I think it’s awesome that you want to live on a farm. I stayed with my grandparents on their farm for a few summers. It was a lot of work! Feeding the horses and chickens every day. I guess my family didn’t spoil me as much as I thought they did since they actually made me get up really early to feed the animals as part of my chores. The nerve of them! Lol, maybe if I had brothers and sister like you, we could have split up the chores and it wouldn’t have seemed like so much work. I don’t know, Being an only child sucks! I think it’s great you have so many siblings. It must have been really fun growing up with built in best friends. I think maybe if I had siblings my parents wouldn’t have been so overprotective, or maybe it was more so because of what happened to my sister. Probably all the above. Are you close to your siblings now? Oh wait I think I already asked that lol. Oh and I just realized you said you were almost married, tell me more about that, clearly her loss, but why didn’t that work out? So you asked to know something I’ve never told anyone before…hmm, I don’t have that many secrets, but I guess there is one thing, I’ve never told anyone, my senior year of high school I dated this guy who was a “bad boy,” you know the type, I went through a rebellion phase, I guess you could say. I realize now that it’s because my parents were so overprotective and I think unconsciously I was resisting that confinement…but anyway, I guess he was getting bored with me and he started talking about breaking up. I was exactly the opposite of him, I wasn’t really a kid who got in trouble, I had good grades, followed all the rules, etc. This relationship was my way of pushing back against the, “goody-too-shoes” girl I was, and I knew if we broke up it would make my parents happy, and I didn’t want to give them the satisfaction, so I promised him I would do anything to make him stay and well…he came up with the brilliant idea that I should go away with him and our friends for the weekend. My parents never let me go to sleepovers, but I figured it’s my senior year of high school, there’s no way they can say no, right? Wrong!  I came up with some elaborate story about how my girlfriends and I wanted to go away for the weekend to spend time together before we all left for college, which was half true, I just left out the fact that boys were going to be there as well. My mom was ok with it, my dad on the other hand wasn’t having it. And of course, dad has the final say. I was so upset. I actually don’t think I’ve ever been that upset before; I just felt like they were being very unfair, I was a good student, who always played by the rules, and they wouldn’t budge on this one thing. Well, what did I do you ask? Yup, you guessed it. I snuck out and met up with him. He told me we were all going to share a suite at the Hilton with my three friends and their boyfriends. He told me not to mention anything to my girlfriends because the guys, were supposed to be surprising them with this weekend getaway. I should have known something was up, like, who’s taking their girlfriends to the Hilton Hotel in high-school?! Anyway, after he picked me up, I guess I fell asleep, because all I remember is feeling the car slow down and I looked outside and I see this deserted cabin in the woods. I looked at him and he smiled, “Surprise, I know I said we were all going to the Hilton, but I thought this would be more intimate and romantic”. "Oh, umm, our friends are here too?” I said. That’s when he told me they all went to the Hilton, but we would be at this cabin alone. He also mentioned that this was his original plan, he just didn’t tell me or any of our friends because he wanted it to be a “surprise”. I was so shocked and as he was explaining all of this, it hit me that no one knows where we are. Ugh how could I be so stupid? I was a virgin and he was always pressuring me about having sex, and I kept saying no…I just wasn’t ready. When I saw how deserted this “intimate” cabin was, I just had a sinking feeling in my gut that he was going to try to force himself on me…again. Yeah, that wasn’t a typo, I said, again. Once we were at this party and he lead me to one of the bedrooms and he tried and I said, no, and he just wouldn’t accept it, he pushed me on the floor and was trying to force himself on me but someone was looking for the bathroom and stumbled in on us and it startled him and I just ran. Later he said, I misunderstood what was happening and we were both drunk and we were just “messing around”. But what he doesn’t know is I actually was only pretending to drink at the party so I wasn’t drunk. But anyway, when I saw this cabin in the woods, I knew…no one was going to accidentally stumble in on us and save me…I was on my own. So while he was unloading the car, I made a run for it. I didn’t say anything, I just ran. I could hear him screaming, “Jamie, what are you doing, we’re in the middle of no where. Come back”. But I didn’t stop running until I heard the sound of cars on the road. I hitched a ride back home with some old lady who went to pick up some meds at the pharmacy for her husband. She was a Godsend! When I saw him at school later that week, he just ignored me, and to tell you the truth, I was glad. I’ve never told anyone that and now that I’m older I understand just how tragic that weekend could have gone. I should have broken things off with him after that party, but…I don’t know, he was really convincing, telling me I misunderstood, and I guess I believed him, more than I believed myself.  I’m really glad you responded to my email Jake, I don’t why but I feel like I’ve know you for years…talking to you seems so easy. I hope you feel the same.    Sincerely, Jamie 11/14/1997 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Jamie, Thanks for trusting me and sharing that, I can’t imagine what that must have been like for you, it must have been terrifying. And you also don’t beat yourself up, we all make choices that we question later when we have more wisdom and insight. I have three younger sisters and just the thought of something like that happening to them makes me so angry. Thank God you were able to get out of there when you did, because I agree with you, he would have definitely tried something and this time, if you said no, he wouldn’t have accepted no for an answer. I’m going to change the subject now because although I know that this is something that happened in the past, I’m so angry and have no where to direct my anger. I know we don’t even know each other, but I just feel really protective over you, Jame. I’m really sorry that happened to you. I wish I was there to hold you right now. And thanks for being so understanding with my secret. It feels scary telling someone, but at the same time, it kind of feels good finally getting it out, like a weight being lifted off my consciousness. Telling my folks what happened? I don’t know Jamie, it just seems so far removed, you know. I mean, it was so long ago. I wouldn’t even know where to start with that conversation. And what would be the point, to rehash something that happened over a decade ago. My brother Darrell passed away awhile ago, so not really sure if saying something now would really make a difference. It would probably just piss my parents off that I kept it from them this whole time. And no, to answer your question, unfortunately my family and I aren’t close. You want to know what it’s like growing up with a bunch of “built in friends,” well I couldn’t tell you. My brothers and sisters and I never got along. We fought all the time. I think it was just too many of us, too many different personalities, in a small space, you know, that kind of thing. I think if I had the choice, I would have chosen to be an only child, except for my older brother Darrell, we were really close…well, until the accident, things changed after that. I get that being sheltered must have been tough but at least you know your parents cared about you. Me on the other hand, I always felt like my parents didn’t have time for me. You know that kid that acts out in order to get attention, yup, that was me. I knew my parents loved me, but I guess I would have preferred a little more attention than what I got. And I know it wasn’t their fault, like I said before, they did the best they could with what they had, but I can definitely see now how it negatively affected me. I’m sorry to hear about your sister by the way. That must have been difficult for your parents. I can see why they kept you so sheltered. They must have been terrified of going through another loss.   You said, ‘now you understand those kids’, does that mean you were one of the popular kids, Jamie? Because that’s what it sounds like to me lol. Let me guess, you were a cheerleader weren’t you? No wait, cheer captain! You certainly have the body for it. =)  But wait, I can’t believe you don’t want to have kids! I think you would be an amazing mom. And yes, it is a lot of responsibility but it’s so worth it! At least that’s what I assume since people keep having them lol. I think I mentioned before, I've always wanted to have kids, I think it’s probably the one thing I want the most actually, a child. To leave a legacy, that way I am never forgotten. With a child, I would leave a piece of me on this earth, even after I’m gone. I don’t know if that makes sense or not, but the thought of leaving this earth without offspring is unimaginable to me.  So let’s talk about this poor fish you killed. Man that’s terrible! Jame c’mon now, someone really had to tell you that you had to feed a fish more than once a month! Babe, you’re never gonna be able to live that one down. Whenever you do anything now, I’m just going to pull the, fish killer card! LOL. Don’t worry, when we have kids, I’ll remind you to feed them! =) As far as my business goes, aside from the commute being too much, I think I just needed a change. I want to sell it and use that money to maybe start a different project. Or I’ll just travel to all those amazing places you mentioned…just travel until I run out of money…But as much as I want to travel, I think I’m going to keep the business. All this talk about kids and legacy has made me remember why I started the business in the first place, so I have something to leave my son.  You asked about my fiancé, yeah well, we were high school sweethearts and were set to get married right after high school graduation and few months before the wedding we were fighting about something and the wedding was postponed, and well it was postponed forever, because we never really worked it out. That part of my life I don’t really like to talk about, but it’s a fair question for you to ask, but I’d prefer if we didn’t discuss it any further.  Anyway Jamie, you should send me some pictures of yourself, fully clothed of course ;) I’ll send you some pics of me as well. Anyway I gotta head out. I have some clients waiting for some estimates. Catch you later. Yours 4ever, J. 11/17/97

Dear Jake, Jake, I can’t stop thinking about our time together! I am blushing just thinking about it. Blushing like right now, while writing this, it was…everything. I felt so connected to you in these last few weeks since we’ve been emailing back and forth but now, I feel even more connected to you. Pun intended lol. I can’t believe we…well, you know, you were there lol. I’m sorry again I didn’t tell you that I’ve never been with anyone, before. I mean it didn’t exactly come up and I wasn’t sure how to ease that  into the conversation…Hey I’m the ginger-redhead who’s never been physically intimate with anyone hehe…yeah, see, it just doesn’t flow easily into the conversation.  Anyway, thank you for not pressuring me. Thank you for handling me with such patience and care. I didn’t imagine my first time would be with someone I just met. I always figured I’d be in a committed relationship or married or something, but I have no regrets. I have no regrets about anything that happened that night. It was incredible. I think that’s probably why I wanted to be with you…in that  way, you made me feel so seen and safe. I really have no words to describe how I feel, I just know I want to continue feeling like this… So…what are we going steady now or something? Lol oh my gosh, I feel so silly. I guess we don’t really have to “define” anything, not yet anyway. We had an incredible time and I can’t stop thinking you or the time we spent together and that’s, that. Don’t be scared I’m still not a stalker LOL, I just can’t stop thinking about you. Oh my gosh what did you do to me? Lol Just kidding, not kidding, I’m serious though. Oh my gosh okay, stop it Jame. My Jaky calls me Jame lol oh my gosh I’m blushing soo bad right now. I’ve turned into my 5th grade students when they have a “crush”. I would always roll my eyes when I heard the girls talking about how they were, head over heels over some boy, but now ugh that’s me, I’m that girl…whose head over heels…over a boy, well, a man lol. It truly was a special day, although, I kind of wish it was more than just…one…day. I mean we spent the whole  day together, it’s just, I thought we were going to spend the weekend  you know, but I get it, something came up, I’m grateful we at least got to spend the entire day together, and I don’t mean to put a damper on things, everything was perfect like I said, it’s just, I guess it kinda felt like you were really quiet…especially that night…you know, afterwards. I hope I didn’t do anything wrong, I mean, I didn’t know what I was doing, but I hope it was okay, for you. It’s just that in your emails, you have so much to say. I don’t know if you were maybe a little shy in person, or if maybe its because I was talking wayyy too much, I ramble when I’m nervous. I’m just realizing all of this now, by the way, now that I am about to send this email and I’m anticipating your typical response…that usually has a lot of words…Oh my gosh, I'm rambling again, I hope I’m making sense. Let me try to explain, I guess…So, I just mean that in our emails you’re a man of many words, but in person, it didn’t seem that way, you know? I mean its ok, we just have to get used to what our dynamic will look like in person. Or maybe you’re better with written words than spoken words? Cause with written words you get to really think about what you’re gonna say before you say, unlike in person you don’t really have as much time to think, you just have to talk…but I guess I should stop coming up with reasons why you were more quiet...or more reserved , is probably a better way to say it. I will shut up and just wait for you to reply, yeah that sounds good. Shutting up…NOW. Can’t wait to hear from you…ok Shutting up now…NOW. Byeeee Jakie…thinking of you. Oh and I’m thinking about going to visit my grandparents in Oxford pretty soon, soooo, maybe we can get together again. Ok now  I’m shutting up lol.    Sincerely Jamie 12/22/1997      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   Dear Jake Heeyyy Jakie, totally fine, totally fine, just checking in…haven’t heard from you. I know its only been like 2 days since my last email, but I don’t know, I guess I expected to hear from you by now. Especially since when we were together you just, kinda left. I mean you left me that note saying you had an emergency and had to go, and I totally get it….but, you could've woken me up, to say goodbye. I’m a pretty light sleeper actually so I’m not sure how I didn’t hear you leave, but anyway, I just…I hope everything is ok...with the emergency, I mean. Please email me or call me back. Please. Have a good Christmas, Jake.  Sincerely Jamie, 12/24/1997 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Jake I guess you’re reeeaalllly busy for the holidays? Huh? I could have sworn you said you weren’t doing much, but not sure why you’re not responding…so I guess you’re just really preoccupied with a lot of…stuff? Maybe the emergency that made you leave in the middle of the night, without saying goodbye? I don't know. The number you gave me isn’t working anymore? Did I save it wrong or something. I mean it worked before we met up. Okay. Merry Christmas. Again. Hopefully I hear from you before the New Year…but if not, Happy New Year…This really  doesn’t feel good, Jake. I need to hear from you.  Sincerely Jamie, 12/27/1997 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Jake What is going on? I haven’t heard from you in almost a month. This is like my 6th email to you with no reply. I’m starting to really worry here. It isn’t like you to just not respond. Were you really that freaked out by me saying, I love you that night after we made love, or had sex or whatever you wanna call it. It doesn’t mean that we have to get married or anything. I think I was just really emotional, I don’t know. We connected so deeply by email and even more in person and it was my first time, so I think I was just probably really excited or something, I..I don’t know. I read that sometimes people’s first times can be filled with a lot of emotions, so that’s probably what happened to me. Like I said, no obligation, I just want to continue getting to know you and see where this goes. Okay? No pressure. No pressure at all, I promise. Or…if, you…don’t want to be together anymore, like at all, then okay. I…I get it. Just let me know and I’ll leave you alone. Will you just please email me back so at least I know you’re okay…This is insane.  Sincerely Jamie, 1/25/1998   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Jake, I’m pregnant. Jamie 2/20/98

Dear Jake I would normally say, that is definitely moving too fast, but like I said before, I feel as if I’ve known you forever. So yes! I definitely want to spend the weekend with you. Just send the details and I’m there! Dinner and a walk in the park sounds amazing! I can maybe cook dinner one night and bring it to your hotel, I don’t really care what we do, as long as I get to spend time with you. By the way, you say your hometown in Oxford? I have family there, I can come see you next time I’m visiting my family.   PS I’ll be sending another email to address everything else, I’m at work right now and just wanted to respond quickly so we can get everything ready for our weekend. SUPER EXCITED!!  Sincerely Jamie, 12/03/1997 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Jake I am so sorry to hear about what happened with Darrell, especially because you guys were so close. Irish twins! Wow. I can’t imagine the pain that must have been for you and your family. Although, I didn’t know my sister because she died way before I was born, there are many times I still grieve and feel that loss. All the, “What could have been” questions. Would we have been close? What was her personality like? Would my parents have been more relaxed had she not been killed in such a terrible way? I’ve tried so many times to talk to my parents about her but they just can’t go there with me…we talk about everything else, and now that I’m older our relationship is so much better, but they still don’t want to talk about her . I just don’t get it. I mean, I understand it hard to talk about and after she died, they couldn’t have any more kids, they tried everything, and it was almost 20 years later after they had stopped trying that I came along. They were in their 40s. But since I’ve been talking to you, its made me think about my sister more and I tried to find out what happened, so I found an article and showed my grandma and made her tell me what happened. All these years she refused to talk about it just like my parents, but this time, I wasn't taking no for an answer from her and my grandma finally told me what happened.  One morning my parents woke up and couldn’t find Lilly…Lilly, that was her name. They searched all over the house and eventually noticed the screen door to the back porch was open. My grandparents often kept the door to the back porch open with the screen door locked because it was so hot. Some nights they would forget to close the door and only notice the next morning that the door was left open. That summer the same thing happened, but the screen door was slowly wearing down and didn’t lock properly and my dad was meaning to fix it but hadn’t gotten around to it yet. When they saw that they ran outside and started searching and that’s when they found her…she was in the street just lying there, covered in blood. In the article there’s a picture of my mom and dad crying and hugging each other and another picture of Lilly, looks like maybe a school picture. She was smiling so big her eyes were closed shut and she had this beautiful dress on, that made her look like a princess. She looked like she had so much personality. I had forgotten what she looked like, because although my parents keep her room exactly as it was, they had removed all her pictures from around the house, and I wasn’t allowed to go in her room. It was never explicitly told to me, but it was this unspoken rule. One day she was everywhere, and the next day, she was nowhere. I think they took them down because of me, I was maybe 4 years old and I kept asking about the little girl in the pictures, she looked just like me so I was curious, I kept asking if she was me or if I was her, then finally my parents told me she was my big sister. Then the questions really began, I wanted to know where she was and why she wasn’t here with me, I wanted to play with her and I kept asking and asking everyday. I even started telling my friends at school that I had a sister and I think my teacher must have called my parents… because one day…I came home and she was gone, no more pictures of her anywhere. Even at that young age, I just knew, that I shouldn’t ask about her anymore, and I didn’t. I was a teenager when they finally told me she was hit by a car, but they wouldn’t tell me any more than that.  After you told me what happened to Darrell, I went to my parents house and started looking in the basement, I mean all those pictures didn’t just disappear and there’s no way they threw them away, well I was right, I found them. As I’m writing this, I’m sitting in the basement surrounded by her, my big sister Lilly. She looks like she would have had the most amazing personality, just full of joy and laughter. She’s also so silly, there’s a bunch of pictures with her making the most silly faces. I can’t believe how much she looks like me, or, I look like her. I mean she looks so much like me that the only reason I know its not me is because of the background, and because I wasn’t as silly as her. I’m smiling in my pictures but my smile doesn’t quite reach my eyes the way hers did. She was so happy. And my parents look so happy with her.  You said you kept everyone at arm’s length and didn’t really have deep, meaningful relationships…is that still true? Because the way we’ve opened up to each other makes me think otherwise. You want to hear something crazy? Seeing Lilly in all these pictures, I don’t know, it has put this feeling in my heart that I can’t really explain, but, I feel like…I do want a baby…a daughter maybe. Anyway, that’s crazy, maybe I’m just super emotional about seeing my baby sister who was taken from me so brutally…twice. Once by the person who ran her over and didn’t even stop, and then again when my parents took her memory out of our lives without any explanation. I found the school picture that they used in the article, I’m going to keep it with me. I just want her close to me. I can’t wait to see you Jake, I could really use a hug right now.   Sincerely Jamie, 12/04/1997 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Jame, Lilly sounds wonderful. I think it’s beautiful that you want to keep a picture of her with you all the time and the school picture from the article sounds like a great choice. The way you describe her smile and her yellow princess dress, it really does sound like she was happy. I actually keep a picture of Darrell in my wallet too. I have ever since he died. I think it makes me feel like he’s still with me, in a way. Losing him has been the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I never thought about it until you said it, but I guess it was so especially hard because I lost him twice too…once when we drifted apart after the accident and then again when he died. My parents didn’t talk about him much after either. I think it was just too painful for them to talk about, especially my dad, he really had a hard time. I think he felt guilty for how hard he was on Darrell after the accident. I know it wasn’t fair to you, but I can understand why your parents didn’t talk about Lilly. And at the same time, I can understand why you wanted to talk about her. It’s just hard all around. Hard for them and hard for us. Unfortunately I do have issues having deep connections since the incident. I feel like my fiancé was the only one I was really connected to, but now, looking back at that time, especially since we’ve been talking, I think a part of me unconsciously kept her at a distance too. I was there just enough, but not fully. It’s not something I did consciously, but I definitely didn’t let her all the way in, not the way you would expect one should let their fiancé in.  I think it makes perfect sense that seeing Lilly has put a feeling in your heart about having kids. Looking into her eyes and imagining all the possibilities, like you said, all these questions of what could have been are going through your mind. Desiring a child almost feels like…redemption, in a way. It makes perfect sense. At least it makes perfect sense to me. I attached all the details for our weekend. I can’t wait to see you and hold you.  Yours 4ever, J. 12/10/97

Dear Jake, Thanks for being so kind when I told you about my secret. I’m sorry it upset you, to be honest, it upset me too as I was writing it. I kind of pushed it out of my mind all these years and haven’t really thought about it, so telling you was making me feel like I was…reliving it, in a way. But anyway, thank you again. It sucks that you’re not close to your family, although I hated that my parents were so overprotective, we’re actually really close, especially now that I’m older and I am understanding more of why they were the way they were, I really value our closeness. How did your brother Darrell pass away? If you don’t mind me asking. He never found out it was you that took the car, right? So why did your relationship change after the accident? You know Jake, I never thought about it that way…that having a lot of siblings would mean your parents would have less time for you. Wow. It must have been very hard wanting their attention and feeling like you had to act out or fight for that attention. I just never really thought about that aspect of it. And it sounds like they both worked really hard to make ends meet, so if you add that into the mix, they just didn’t have the time that was needed to devote to each kid. Man, that’s tough, I’m so sorry. Why were you close to Darrell but not the other siblings? Were you guys closer in age or was it that you just had similar personalities so it was easier to get along?  And yeah, you’re right, my parents were scared about losing another child and that’s why they were so over the top. Of course back then I was not thinking that way, all I knew is they were suffocating me and I hated it. But now when I look back, like I said before, I can understand it. I think that’s part of the reason I don’t want kids. I am scared I’m going to be a horrible mom and my kids will hate me and be all screwed up because of the mistakes I make. Do you ever think about that? Being a bad parent and messing up your kids? It seems like you want them so badly, and I get it, legacy and all, but do you ever fear you will do more harm to them than good? Then what legacy will you really be leaving behind? Trauma? I hope that wasn’t too negative, gosh, I’m sorry, but I hopefully you understand what I’m saying and I hope I didn’t offend you. But, how do you know I’d be an amazing mom when I  don’t even know that? We hardly know each other, yes we definitely have a connection that feels like we’ve known each other for years, but, how do you know  I would be a good mom? Ugh, I wish I was that confident that I would be a good mom, or even at least a decent one.  And yes I was cheer captain lol. Gosh is it that obvious. You know, I never really thought about leaving this earth and being forgotten. Omg, I’m all over the place, sorry, the cheerleader thing just popped in my head lol but I haven’t really thought about the afterlife or about death really. I don’t know. Now that you mention it, I don’t think I have a fear of being forgotten if I don’t have kids because, I have such deep relationships that I know I won’t be forgotten. As a teacher, I’m touching so many lives. I’m really making a difference and I know the impact I’m having on some of these kids will last forever. And I’m sure the same goes for you! Have you ever thought about it that way? That the meaningful relationships you have will make a lasting impact? And I’m totally ignoring the fact that you said, when we  have kids lol you would have to first convince me of even having kids, then we’ll talk and see if I believe WE  should have kids lol. I know you were just joking by the way…haha…wait… you were joking…right? Right? Lol. And, you say “son,” as if you are certain it will be a boy? How do you know you won’t have a girl? Is that why you and your fiancé broke up? Because she didn’t want kids? I can see its a very upsetting topic for you and I know you said you don’t want to discuss it any further but, if we’re going to try to be in a relationship or whatever…I don’t want to get too invested only to find out that you don’t want to be with me because I haven’t changed my mind about having kids. And it’s not something, I’m 100% against, I just never saw myself with kids, but I am definitely open to the discussion of having them. But if you don’t want to answer any more questions about her that’s ok, I don’t mean to pry.  On a lighter note, did you really call me fish killer?! Ugh! I can’t believe you! I think if it wasn’t a part of my chores to feed the animals on the farm, they all would have died of starvation too. SMH. Ugh, I’m terrible, I’m just kinda in my own world sometimes and I don’t think about things until much later.  Also, I think it’s brave to sell your business and start all over, it won’t be easy but it’s best to follow your heart. I’m sure you can start another successful business to leave your daughter hehe lol. And as far as selling it and traveling, I’ll only approve of that if you plan on taking me with you! lol By the way, I will definitely send you some FULLY CLOTHED pictures, you seem like a really nice guy and I wouldn’t want to corrupt you lol. I love the pics you sent me by the way, where did you take them? The background looks really old and vintage. But anyway, I love them! You are more handsome than the last time I saw you on the train! Sooo totally crushing right now! Lol! Speaking of seeing you, I haven’t seen you on the train in awhile, did you get a car or something? Lol. So it’s almost Christmas…kinda! Do you have anything special planned?? What about for thanksgiving? Okay, Later Jake. Can’t wait to hear from you.  Sincerely Jamie, 11/23/1997   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Jamie, My thanksgiving was good. Nothing special, just had dinner with the folks. What about you? How was your Thanksgiving? It is almost Christmas lol, do you have anything special planned? If not, do you want to maybe get together the weekend before Christmas? Oh and you haven’t seen me on the train because I haven’t been riding it lol I’ve been catching a ride to NJ with a friend. But I might be on there at some point, I'll let you know. Darrell and I, well he was the only sibling I was really close to, I think it was because we were close in age. He was 10 months older than me, Irish twins they called us. And also, we just clicked. We could tell each other everything, there’s nothing we wouldn’t do for each other. After the accident, things just changed. Can’t really put my finger on how or when but when I think about it, maybe the guilt of knowing how hard my parents were on him for something I did, just got to be too much, I guess. I withdrew from my family, I mean we were already distant but it got worse, and somewhere along the line, I ultimately withdrew from Darrell too. I threw myself into sports and became really good at running track and playing baseball and even had a full scholarship to play baseball at Arizona State. I was a pretty big deal in my small hometown of Oxford. I became very popular and that’s what I always wanted, to be seen and accepted, but I guess I also became a really big jerk and although I had a lot of friends, it was all surface because I kept everyone at arms length. It’s hard to really connect with people when you’re carrying a secret. Darrell on the other hand, started spiraling. He was a grade ahead of me and was a straight A student but he started getting bad grades and failing classes, he almost didn’t graduate high school. His already rocky relationship with my parents grew even more estranged. He left home and went to the local community college and it seemed like he was doing really well, things were turning around for him. I guess being away from home helped. I don’t know, but about halfway into his first year we got a call that he passed away. They told us he drove his car into a lake. There was no note, but his roommate said he was taking a lot of credits because he was in this accelerated program and his first semester he had taken a ridiculous amount of credits and aced all his classes and I guess the second semester was too much? I don’t know. I can’t help but think if our relationship was the way it used to be, when we were close, he would have reached out to me instead of…doing what he, did.  But since we’re talking about all kinds of stuff that I don’t really like talking about, I guess I can get into a little more about what happened with my fiancé. She found out about some things and, well I guess, I should say, I told her about some things from my past and we disagreed on how to move forward. I also wanted to go public with our relationship, we had been keeping it a secret for almost 2 years and I was done with keeping it a secret but she didn’t want to tell anyone. It was a recurring point of contention in our relationship. So no, we didn’t break up because she didn’t want kids, she actually did want children, she used to say she wanted a whole football team of children. We were really aligned on that.  You want to know how I know you’ll be a good mom, Jamie? Because I just know. The first time I saw you, I knew. There’s something so special about you Jamie and the more we talk the more I’m convinced I was right about you all along. Let me know if you’re open to spending the weekend together or if that’s moving too fast, we can always just go to dinner. It’s just with the distance, I figured it would be a better use of time if we made it a whole weekend. I’m supposed to be in NJ the weekend before Christmas, so we can get together then? I can get a hotel somewhere close to you and we can do dinner one night and maybe go for a walk in the park the next day or just see how things go. Let me know. Hope to hear from you soon.  Yours 4ever, J. 11/30/97

Dear Jake, I hope this isn’t strange, but I saw you on the train this morning and I really wanted to talk to you, but I was so nervous and by the time I finally worked up the courage, you weren’t there anymore. I was so bummed and as I was walking away, I noticed a business card in the seat where you were sitting and that’s how I got your contact information…Oh gosh, I really hope this isn’t too weird. I promise I’m not like crazy or a stalker or anything like that. I’m pretty normal actually. I just saw a handsome guy, and I felt like maybe we could hit it off and although you had already left, when I saw the business card, I felt like maybe it was a sign. I don’t know. Maybe that does sound a little weird. Ok I admit, it’s crazy, yes and I can’t explain it, but I saw you sitting there and I just got this…feeling. Yeah, you’re, definitely going to think I’m crazy, LOL. Anyway, maybe this will provide some context; so I have this deck of cards with daily affirmations and I randomly picked one today and it said, “Something good will happen today, but only if you take a chance”.  Hi chance…consider yourself taken. Or…half taken, since I didn’t actually work up the courage to physically go up and talk to you, well, I did, but not soon enough. I went to the bathroom to give myself a pep talk and when I came back, well like I said, you had already left.  Oh my gosh, you’re probably wondering who in the heck is this, right? Probably should have introduced myself before all the rambling, oh boy, this is going GRREEAATT. Well, my name is Jamie. I’m 22 years old and I’m a 5th grade substitute teacher. Uh, things I like to do; I love to go out dancing and I love traveling and learning about different cultures. Some of my favorite places that I’ve been to are France, Italy, Spain, and Bali. I stayed at each of those places for a couple of weeks and learned everything I could about the culture, from the food, to the music, to the basic belief systems. I find it so fascinating that people usually assume that we are so different, but in actuality we are really quite similar. But you wouldn’t really know that unless you gave someone a chance, and I think that’s whats wrong with our society, we don’t really give people chances. Anyway, aside from traveling I also play the violin. I’ve been playing since I was a child and its my favorite instrument to play. I also play the piano, the guitar, and the cello. I was almost a part of an orchestra, but decided at the last minute, that it wasn’t for me. Lol. Although I play a lot of instruments, my favorite instrument to listen to is one I don’t know how to play, and that is the saxophone. Something about it, just sends chills down my spine. Every single time. When I was a child my parents put me in so many different activities. Piano, violin, guitar, ballet, contemporary, you name it. Yup, they were one of  those  parents. But you know what? I’m actually glad they were like that. When I think about it, what I enjoyed the most isn’t one particular instrument or extracurricular activity that I did, I realize I actually just love the process of learning. I think maybe that’s why I became a substitute teacher and I’m currently finishing up my degree to become a general education teacher. So, that’s a little bit about me, but I kinda feel like I’ve been rambling enough already, so if you have any question please feel free to ask. Hopefully you’re still reading this and didn’t delete this email. OMG what if this email just got put into spam and you never see it. Lol.  Anyway, I would love it if we could get to know each other. If you’re interested of course, just email me back (if I’m not stuck in your spam that is…haha). My email is JamieJ22@aol.com, oh wait I guess you already know that right Lol, gosh why am I so nervous writing this, anyway you can just hit reply and respond to me, if you want of course. So I just had this thought, what if this business card isn’t even yours? What if I am talking to some random person who left it there way before you sat there? And his  name is Jake, but he’s not you , so your name’s not Jake and I’ve been addressing, “Jake” this whole time, but he’s not you and you’re not him. LOL. Soooo, if you’re the sandy-blonde, blue-eyed guy who was on the train this morning, November 2nd, around 6:30am, the Pascack Valley Line going towards Oradell who was wearing a navy blue suit with a bright yellow tie, then this email is for you. I’m the ginger or red-head that was in the seat adjacent to yours, wearing a lime green sundress and a long burgundy winter coat. If you do not fit this descriptions…PLEASE DISREGARD. DELETE ME NOW. He, he, he, ha ha ha. Do not respond. So awkward. But if it is you, Jake, or the sandy-blonde, blue-eyed guy in the navy blue suit, with the bright yellow tie, then I hope to hear from you soon!  P.S I promise I’m not crazy. Not the bad type of crazy anyway. Lol.    Sincerely Jamie, 11/02/1997 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Jamie, I’m really happy you decided to email me. Yes, I am the sandy-blonde, blue-eyed guy with the navy blue suit and the yellow tie lol. I’ve actually seen you riding the train the last several months, and I convinced myself I wasn’t your type so, I’ve just been admiring you from afar. That day, I thought I saw you glancing at me and I wanted to say hi, but I saw you get up and leave. I left my business card where I was sitting and hoped you would take it and get in contact with me. Now I sound like the crazy stalker, LOL. I’m not by the way. I’m normal…just like you. Although, you don’t sound, normal to me at all. I mean not that you don’t sound normal, normal, obviously you’re normal, normal, I just mean you don’t sound “normal”. Ok, that was clear as mud, usually I’m pretty good with my words, but what I’m trying to say is you sound pretty darn interesting. For instance, I think it’s amazing that you have traveled to so many places. I also have an interest in traveling. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to visit many places, but it’s definitely something I want to do. I actually just applied for a passport if you can believe it or not. So I should be well on my way to traveling any day now. Maybe you can give me some travel pointers. I’m not really sure where I want to go first, but definitely somewhere where I would need a passport. A 5th grade sub huh? You must have a lot of patience and you must love kids. Well, I guess that may not necessarily be true LOL. You could also be the worst sub ever. Lol. You know those subs who it was obvious they got into teaching just to make children’s lives miserable…ugh Ms. Stone, sorry, I just had a flashback! Ms. Stone was my 12th grade substitute teacher and she was horrible! Our 12th grade teacher, Melissa…Ms. Ross, got into this horrible freak accident and never came back to work, so we were stuck with Ms. Stone for the remainder of the year, which was almost half the school year. It was torture! Pure torture…sometimes I feel she was sent as punishment.  But anyway, enough of that, I’m sure you’re an awesome teacher. So, do you, like kids? I love kids. I don’t have any of my own yet, but I really do want children one day. It’s funny you said you had “one of those” parents. I grew up wishing I had "one of those" parents LOL. My family wasn’t able to afford any of that kind of stuff. But if they could have, I would have wanted to learn to play the piano as well, but if I could just pick one, it would have to be the saxophone. Something about the saxophone has always captivated me. So that’s one thing we have in common for sure. And hearing you say it brings chills down your spine, makes me really regret not learning how to play. I would have loved playing the sax for you. I think I was maybe 10 years old when I first heard the sound of the saxophone. My parents were watching TV and I was supposed to be sleeping, but I heard this beautiful music and I was drawn to it. So I snuck out of bed and went into the living room and that’s when I saw it for the first time. This man was playing the saxophone so beautifully. I was mesmerized. Since then, I promised myself I would learn how to play. But I never did. Life. You know how that goes. But maybe it’s not too late and when I do learn, I will definitely play for you. Umm, so I just turned 28 years old, never been married, came close once, no kids yet, like I said, and I own my own painting business. I was actually trying to sell the business while I was in New Jersey, but that didn’t work out so I’m back home now, in Mississippi. Although I have a lot of customers in Mississippi, my main source of income is in NJ so I spend a lot of time there, and the back and forth has gotten to be too much so I decided to sell the business. But tell me more about yourself? Do you have any kids? I’m assuming you’re not married. Tell me more about your childhood; your likes and dislikes. Oh I know, tell me something you’ve never told anyone before. As for me, my childhood was pretty typical. I have three sisters, all younger, and four brothers, all older. I’m smack dab in the middle. We grew up lower middle class, and that’s probably because there were so many of us, LOL. Although we didn’t have a lot of money, I guess you could say we were comfortable. We never had the newest gadgets or name brand clothes, but we always had food on the table. PB & Js and ramen count as food right? LOL.  I’m a pretty laid back guy and I don’t have many dislikes. My likes, aside from the sax would have to be watching black and white films (corny I know). I also love animals, I have two dogs, one cat, a few fish, and two hamsters. And I plan to get more animals. Sometimes I think I would just be better off living on a farm. Although, I don’t think I actually want to take care of the land, I just need the space for all the animals and kids I want to have, LOL. Soo, one thing that I’ve never told anyone…when I was in middle school the popular high school kids dared me to take my dad’s car for a joy ride. It was the end of middle school and I would soon be going into high school and I wanted to be a part of this group so badly; I was so tired of being a loner, so I did it. Now, disclaimer, my dad had already been teaching me how to drive a little here and there, so at the time, I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. So, that night, I waited till everyone was asleep and took my dad’s keys and took the car. Little did I know, daytime driving and nighttime driving are two different things. I’m sure you see where this is going….I didn’t get but a few blocks before I drove the car straight into a tree. Thank goodness I was was ok, but the car, was pretty old to begin with so that tree was the last straw for it. I was so shaken up that I just left the car there, ran back home and got into bed. Of course, I didn’t sleep a wink, I just tossed and turned for the rest of the night. That morning, when my dad went outside and noticed his car was missing, he started looking around and finally saw that it was down the block in the tree. He immediately thought my big brother Darrell did it because he had snuck out and taken the car before. My dad was livid and he tore into Darrell so much I thought he was going to kill him. Darrell, kept crying, “It wasn’t me dad, it wasn’t me,” but dad wouldn’t listen, he just kept hitting him. I was too afraid to say anything. From that day my dad and Darrell’s relationship has never been the same. Please don’t think I’m a horrible person, I was a kid and I really didn’t know better. Well, I did know better but I was impressionable and so stupid. I just wanted to make friends with the cool kids, and I was too scared to tell my dad the truth…or anyone for that matter. You’re the only person I’ve told, and honestly I really don’t know why I’m telling you this, I don’t even know you. But anyway that’s my secret. I hope to hear from you soon. Yours 4ever, J 11/09/97

👈🏾 Listen here Ok so let’s talk about it… Dating after 30 be like… Well I should say, Disciple of Christ dating after 30 be like… So I’m after 30, years old and I’m a Disciple of Christ, so the dating stuff is just giving question marks for me. But what are you talking about cousin? Right, so let’s talk about it in cousin’s corner, which is basically a corner where we have family talks, because you know, we cousins…we family. Where should we start, so…several years ago I told the Lord I wanted to date intentionally and no longer date just to date. What that meant for me, was I was no longer going to be entertaining men or BOYS who I knew very well I had no intention on marrying or had no intention on marrying me. I was no longer going to date men just for the sake of having someone or just to fill a void or fill the space, you know what space I’m talking about. But before I made this conscious decision to date with intention, I used to ask God, “Just give me a bone to chew on since the meal is not ready yet” or “Just give me an appetizer, since the meal is taking sooo long”…then after doing that nonsense for few years I realized it was literally a waste of my time and just pointless. Also, the closer I got to God, the more he transformed me and the more I realized, I actually didn’t want to live like that anyway. I was no longer ok with chewing on a bone that I couldn’t even swallow or munching on an appetizer that wasn’t filling me. None of those situations were providing me with what i actually wanted, so why continue partaking in them? So I stopped. I made a decision to no longer waste time with something that wasn’t fulfilling and wasn’t providing any nutrients. I told God, if it ain’t the main course, I DONT WANT IT or in other words, if it ain’t my husband, I DONT WANT IT.  “But you have to date in order to know if someone is your husband or not…” Them  people be saying. Well obviously, in many cases you do have to date and get to know someone in order to discover things about them. But that's not what I'm talking about, what I’m talking about is this is clearly NOT the person I’m meant to be with but because I’m lonely or I’m bored, I’ll just date them in the “meantime”. That’s the nonsense I’m talking about. Why are we even talking about this? You may be asking, weren't we supposed to be talking about, "Moving to Hawai'i Part III?"…well, we are talking about this because, I have crush and therefore this is what i'm musing at the moment.  Crush, ugh soooo stupid. I haven’t had a crush since like middle school, probably more like high school, but either way, it’s been awhile. So in navigating this crush, all these questions are coming up. I guess I should probably let you know, that I am a “recovering” over-thinker, since the Bible says, “Life and death are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21), I am being very cautious with my words and so, instead of saying, I am an overthinking-analytical crazy person, I say instead that I am a recovering over-thinking, analytical beloved daughter of God. It is a pattern of thinking I am working hard to break, although it ain’t exactly broken just yet. Anyhoo, so all these questions are coming up. Questions like… “Does he like me too?” “Wait is he married? In a relationship? Is he even single?” I don’t see a ring on his finger, but that doesn't definitively mean he isn’t married. “Is he a believer in Christ?” And not just a, Oh I know that man from Galilee, but like do you KNOW Him? Does KNOW you? Are you submitted to Him? Because Lucifer and them demons know Him too, so just knowing Him ain’t enough. “Should I tell him I like him?” “ How do I tell him I like him?” Being that I’m a woman and my brother Laterras R. Whitfield says, “Women should present and men should pursue”. “ How do I present?” “Is my “presentation” clearly understood?” Cause you know our men, I love y’all, I really do; that being said, some of y'all, ain’t great at collecting Blue’s Clues and figuring out what Blue wants to do. If you’re in the generations after millennials you won’t get that reference so just google it. But basically I’m saying, some of our wonderful men just don’t recognize that you like them unless it’s plainly expressed.  Eureka! So the over-thinking, this is something some  women do, I won’t say most women, so some of y’all don’t get upset, but it's actually, it actually is most, I mean I ain’t take a poll or nothing but it’s most. Especially when they like someone, and it kinda goes something like this, “Oh my gosh, he looked at me, he likes me too.” Then we start trying on his last name to see if it fits. Where they do that at? Crazyland that’s where! Or over-thinking be like, “Oh my gosh, he DIDN'T look at me, he doesn’t like me. He hates me!” Or maybe, he looked at you, because you were in the same direction that his head just so happened to be facing, or he didn’t look at you, just because, he didn’t look at you. Why must we attempt to make such concrete and absolute conclusions from small, possibly insignificant random occurrences. Now I’m not saying, this is what I  did with my crush, I’m just saying, this what be happening. Okay, umm hmm, mmkay.  So some more questions and things that been coming up. So I am trying to present myself and trying to put myself in the same space that he is in, and sometimes I am naturally supposed to be in these spaces, and other times I am literally trying to fabricate excuses to put myself in his space. Now I know some people have a lot to say about women, “shooting their shot” and honestly, I don’t know where I stand on that one. I think it’s ok for a woman to shoot their shot AND on the other end, I’m like but what does that actually look like? I think presenting yourself and showing interest is okay, but then he needs to pursue and take the lead, because he is supposed to be the lead, but then again we just said, some of our men don’t be collecting these clues, so, what does a women “shooting her shot,” while still remaining in her femininity and in her submissive role actually look like? Yes, I said submissive, cause that's what we're supposed to be. I feel like it is case by case, because if you have a man, who ain’t collecting these Blue’s Clues, then you may have to be a little bit more direct, but then fall back and let him decide whether he wants to pursue or not. In my case, it's a little bit more complicated so I can't really be that direct. Ugh so stupid having a crush after 30. Sooo stupid.  So, some more, more questions and more, more "recovering" over-thinking thoughts, now let’s get into the Disciple of Christ part, also known as the more spiritual part. So what I’ve been musing, is on one end, I’m like as a beloved daughter of The Most High, should I be fabricating excuses to put myself in his space? Does God need my help? He certainly didn’t need it to create the heavens and the earth (Genesis 1). Should I be trying to find out things about him to see if this is even worth considering? So, I tried being an internet stalker, umm hmm, that's what i said, internet stalker, just to figure out if he’s even available and single, and after searching for ummteen minutes and coming up empty because I couldn’t find a thing, I kinda felt like the Holy Spirit was like, “Are you done? If I wanted you to know, you would know”. 🙄 Sigh. Stupid, stupid crush. More musing…As a daughter of God how much should I be doing to “put myself out there” as they say, whoever them  is…everybody that’s who, everybody. Obviously, don’t sit in the house all day, everyday, yes, go out and live life, but what I’m saying is, how much intentionality and once again fabricating or creating and striving should I be doing? When God literally doesn’t need my help, and if I try to help Him and something  happens, now was this God or was it me? Now of course nothing happens without God's permission, but sometimes He be letting stupid stuff happen that He didn’t necessarily desire  for us, but because we kept pushing and striving and forcing things, He allowed it to happen. So I ask again, how much is too much vs just enough? Also, how much of it is letting God be God and me being still and letting Him do what He do. Like what is the percentage,  that should be ascribed to me putting myself out there, presenting myself, and letting him know I’m interested vs letting God write the story. 20% me, 80% God? 10% me, 90% God? 0% me, 100% God? Like what is it? Then they  be saying, "Well that’s why you're still single, because you’re not doing enough". But then when you mess around and "do enough," and go before God or go completely in the direction He’s not even tryna take you and you end up in a horrible marriage or divorced trying to coparent with a demon, then they (uh huh the same they) will say, “Well why didn’t you wait on the Lord?” (Wait on the Lord, wait on the Lord—Maverick song)… Darn stupid crush.  So in conclusion…yeah, there is no conclusion. And honestly I don’t even want to publish this until I have a conclusion, one way or another, because crushes are stupid, not sure if you heard me say that few times already lol and I just didn’t want to be posting this while I’m still in...limbo…but whatever…vulnerability it is… Maybe I’ll have an update post for you, maybe not, probably not, yeah, probably not…now I kinda already know the answer to these over-thinking, not going with the flow questions, because the answer is...there is no answer! And they  can never be pleased, so I can’t base my responses or actions on them , and I’m supposed to be living for my Creator anyway, He’s the only one I need to answer to and these things really are case by case, situation by situation, day by day. And the only way, the ONLY WAY, I can really know what to do in each situation is by tuning in to the Holy Spirit and letting him be my step by step guide. Like, “Holy Spirit, today, how you feel about me creating a fake reason to go over there? Naw not today? Oh ok, I’ll ask again tomorrow.” And I don't mean to over spiritualize things, whatever that means, but in these cases when we just don’t know what to do, and it’s just not as simple to drop a big Blues Clue, there’s nothing left to do but to let God lead and follow him step by step. At least I don’t see any other way, not in my situation anyway. What’s annoying though, is when I ask Holy Spirit, and I don’t really hear an answer one way or another, like if its a no, tell me no and I’ll fall back, but the silence thing, that ain’t really working for me Baba. So I've resolved to just chill and see how things play out, if He wants me to know, I guess He’ll let me know. I sure will keep asking though. Stupid, stupid, stupid crush. Sigh. I guess I shouldn’t have really called this, “Dating after 30 be like, more like crushing after 30 be like…” but anyhoo… Alright, catch me next time.  Later Sons and Daughters.  I love you. Musing...NOT, totally NOT, overthinking 😜

👈🏾 Listen here Not sure where we left off, but last time in “Moving to Hawai'i” I believe I was explaining about my nervous breakdown on the plane ride to Hawai'i for my job interview. Well! Now it is May 10th 2024 and I have been in Hawai'i for 3 weeks and one day! Well to say it has been a journey would be an underSTATEMENT 😂 . Where should we start? Hmm. Ok, so let’s start with the day I moved away from Florida, April 18th 2024. So that day I was supposed to leave the house at 4:30am so I could get to the airport, around 5:30am for a 8am flight. Its about an hour drive but with the morning rush hour, it can be much longer, so I wanted to get there with plenty time to spare. I also wanted my parents to see me off, so the plan was, that my dad would have a friend drive him to the airport and I would drive with my mom and someone would stay with the cars at the cell-tower that way my parents could see me off at the airport and we could spend as much time as possible together before I had to leave. If you’re wondering why we couldn’t all just drive together, well for one, my parents are divorced and my dad lives about one hour south of the airport and I lived with my mom, about one hour north of the airport; so, that's the way we had to do it. My surprise (you can't really surprise me) Go-away Party 😝 Well, my dad’s friend, wasn’t able to take him after all, although he didn’t tell me this until after I had arranged another way for him to get to the airport. Here’s how that  happened. So at my surprise, you can't really surprise me, go-away party, I was causally mentioning to my Hānai sister, Jeanelle, my plan about how we're all gonna go to the airport, and she says, “Oh I can take your dad". "Ohh Uuhhhh oohhkkk," I said. I would have never thought to ask her, even though she is a dear sister who is very selfless and is always so helpful, I just wouldn’t have thought to ask her because of the inconvenience of it all. And, as I told you before, I thought my dad already had a ride. Hmm..But God would have it that I would randomly be talking to her about it and God put it in her heart to offer to take him. So when I told my dad that my friend, who lives nearby him would take him, it is THEN he informs me that his friend couldn’t take him 😂. So when were you gonna tell me this sir? Hmm ok. Anyhoo, back to the story, so I’m driving to the airport with my mom and we're talking and then there’s a moment where there’s some silence and I suddenly just start laughing, and she’s like, “Why are you laughing”. So I tell her, I just had a memory randomly come to mind about the time that I was a little girl and I was going to my grandmother’s house in New York and I was maybe 6 or 7 years old and I was going to be traveling by myself, for the first time on a plane. So in the memory I saw myself walking through the boarding bridge and my parents were standing there watching me. At that time my dad worked at airport so he was able to get my mom a pass and they both were able to be in the passenger boarding bridge to see me get on the plane. In the memory I remember their faces looking worried and I think my mom was about to cry, who knows, I was too excited and too busy chatting away with the flight attendant...ahh the blissful innocence of youth 😂 . So I shared that memory with my mom and I told her that it made me realize that this is the same thing that's happening right now...28 years later, my parents are going to once again be seeing me off on a journey that I'm going to be taking by myself. I also told my mom, “Man, I wish my dad still worked at the airport that way you guys could see me get on the plane”. Because as it stands, my plan was for them to be with me in the airport and take me as far as they could go, which would be TSA; then we would say our goodbyes at TSA. WELL. When the Bible says, “The mind of man plans his ways, but the Lord directs or establishes his steps” (Proverbs 16:9). Well that is the whole truth and nothing but the truth and in this case I am so grateful that the Lord directed and established my steps. So, we met up with my dad and Jeanelle and ended up parking one of the cars at a location close by the airport and then we all drove to the airport in one car, and Jeanelle dropped us off and waited at the cell-tower. I proceeded to the airline’s section and the woman at the counter told me, “You have to check your bags at the kiosk first”. So I turned around and went to the kiosk. My parents were helping me with the luggages because I had two checked bags, one carry one luggage and one personal item. I travel often but I don’t usually have a checked bag so I completely forgot I had to go to the kiosk first to print out tags for the bags. When I got to the kiosk another airline employee saw me and she started talking me through the process. Now I don’t know why she started helping me, even before I asked for help, I don’t know if I looked confused, but then again, she didn’t even let me get  confused, she was there helping me from step one, so hmm I don’t know….well, I do know 😂, it was God, but  you’ll see what I mean in a minute. So she, we will call her Angel, because that is what she was! So, Angel started helping me, telling me where to click and just basically held my hand through the whole process, and after I printed my luggage tags and got my boarding passes she said, “You can come this way, I’ll take you.” So I said, “Uh ok,” I was just gonna go back to the first lady but I followed her and she began to weigh my luggage…Oh my gosh, another thing I forgot about checked bags...they weigh them! Oh my gosh, why? And well, they were, let’s just say, OBESE, like $200 per luggage MORBIDLY OBESE. So Angel says, “Do you wanna take something out and put it in another bag?” I, who once again, had completely forgotten about “weights” with checked bags, just responded, “No, I’m moving, so all my bags are full ,” so I just pulled out my card to pay. I refused to let this unexpected thing put me in a bad mood because it was already an emotionally intense morning because I was moving away from my family to the other side of the globe! SQUIRREL I am so sorry to do this to you, sorry not sorry, so I totally forgot to tell you about how I felt that morning, so let's take a few minute detour, ok. So, I had been fine, not really feeling any intense undesired emotions about leaving. Few times I would feel anxious about the unknown, but all normal stuff, nothing cray cray, nothing crazy, but man that morning, the morning of April 18th, the morning I was actually going to leave, I felt SOOOO ANXIOUS. I was in the bathroom getting ready and I was thinking, “OOOHHH, THIS IS REAL. THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING. WE ARE REALLY  DOING THIS? ARE WE REALLY DOING THIS? MOVING AWAY FROM OUR FAMILY AND COMMUNITY AND EVERYTHING WE KNOW, TO GO TO A PLACE SOOO FAR AWAY, WHERE WE HAVE NOOOBODY?” I think that morning was the time I felt the most intense “negative” emotions about this move. Now I put negative in quotations, because they are not negative  really, they are just emotions that one does not desire to feel, as my auntie, Dr. Anita Philips would say, so, no emotions are negative, emotions are information…so hence the quotations. These emotions were so intense (ok so, all my emotions are, intense…but that’s another story for another day), but these emotions were so intense that I had look myself in the mirror in the bathroom and tell myself, “Yes, we're doing this,” and “Yes, we are moving to Hawai'i today,” “Yes, yes, yes, we're doing this, what else are we gon’ do? Not go? Unpack our bags, 'unsend' all the boxes we already don sent to ourselves that are currently in Hawai'i right now waiting for us? Break the contract with our employer? What else are we gonna do?” So like many things, I decided, like my sister Tasha Cobbs Leonard would say, to “Do it anyway”. Do it, in spite of the fear, the questions, the unknown, the doubt, all the legitimate concerns….I informed myself that morning, that like Uncle Tim Ross says, 'If you can't do it brave (c'mon dwellers), do it scared'. So that morning, heart beating, body trembling with fear and anticipation, I got ready and I did it anyway! Anyhoo, once again...again 😂 back to our story…So Angel, oh my gosh, I hope you're keeping up, So Angel looked at me and was like, “Uh I wish I could help, but my supervisor is right over there..." She says as she glances over her left shoulder. She seemingly was going back and forth in her mind about what to do about my multiple obese luggage, then she says, “You’re first class anyway, don't worry about it” then she proceeds to take my luggage, my, at this point, $400+ OBESE luggage and puts them on the carousel without another word. I who didn’t even realize what was happening, until I realized, oh she didn’t take my payment from me, so I just said, “Oh my gosh, thank you so much, wow.” Then out of no where, Angel says, “Is this mom and dad?” “Uh, Yes,” I replied. “Do you want them to go to the gate with you?” Angel asks. WAIT WHAT? That’s a thing? BUT, BUT, that’s, that's not a thing anymore, especially since 911, like WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I starred at her for what felt like 20 minutes but was probably more like 2 seconds, because I promise you time slowed down. “Oh my gosh! Are you serious, yes, oh my gosh, Yes I want them to go with me!” I replied. “You won’t believe, I was just telling my mom on the drive over here, about when I was a little girl and my parents were able to stand at the end of the passenger boarding bridge with me because my dad used to work at the airport.” I told Angel this and I started crying, and then she started crying, it was a moment. After she took my parents’ ID and printed them “Gate-Only boarding passes,” I asked Angel if I could give her a hug and she said yes. She came around the counter and I hugged and I whispered to her, “Thank you so much, you have no idea what this means to me, thank you, thank you, thank you.” Then I said, “Please keep being a light in this world, because we need more light.” Needless to say, Angel and I were holding back tears and my parents, they were just standing there like two deers in headlights. Lost and lost-er, ok, I think we were all just in shock. So as planned, they walked me to TSA and NOT as planned, they came with me through TSA. We walked to the gate and sat down and just starred at each other in disbelief. I mean the fact that I randomly had this memory come to my mind and mentioned to my mom, how I wished my dad still worked at the airport so they could go with me to the gate and see me off like they did when I was 7 years old, and I would have never, ever thought to ask if that was even possible in this day and age. Like never! But God. So, few minutes later as the shock, kinda wore off, I decided to record a video, I started with my dad, and asked him, “What do you wanna say to your daughter?” Then mom, “What do you wanna say to your daughter?” I am so grateful that I was able to spend that extra time with my parents and make a video that I would have never had the time to make, had things went the way I originally planned. My mom and I both agreed and said, if we didn’t think God was with me and behind me in this big move to Hawai'i, we are certainly confident of this now after what just happened. When I was recounting this testimony to my family, my twin (she's not my actual twin, she's like 15 years older than me, but that's not the point)...my twin said, something to the likes of, 'You wished your dad still worked at the airport, but you forgot that your DADDY owns all the airports'. C'mon somebody! Wont He did it! 😂 When it was time to go, I gave several hugs and finally went in line to board the plane, I kept looking back at my parents until I could no longer see them. Then I scanned my boarding pass and I stepped into the tunnel, and as soon as I stepped into that tunnel, a wave….no, no a tsunami of emotions hit me like a ton of bricks, or should I say, a ton of water since, you know, its a tsunami after all, and I started to cry, I started to cry… “No, no not now, hmm hmm no no, nope, we’re not doing that right now, not right now, not right here,” I told myself, “Get it together.” Now, while I am learning to accept all my emotions like auntie Anita informs I should, at that particular time, I just didn’t think it appropriate for me to be crying a river, in the boarding bridge, just not appropriate. So, I held back the tsunami and walked to my seat. When I sat down, I thought, “What if this is the last time I see my parents, and if that’s the case, I didn’t hug them long enough”. I know you must be thinking, WOAH how did we get there, that’s an extreme thought. Well one of the things, or generational curses, I've been partnering with the Holy Spirit to break is catastrophic thinking, but that is, you guessed it, yet another story for yet another day. But anyhoo, I quickly changed the radio station of my thoughts, “No, you will see your parents, alive again” and I told myself, “Don’t do that to yourself baby, the hugs could never be long enough, so it’s okay…it’s okay, you did hug them long enough”.   On the plane, self-soothing 😂 So that’s part II 😂. Wondering if I should make part III or just call the next installation of my journey to Hawai'i something else, because man the journey has been and is a long one! Stay tuned for the drama, I mean journey...lol Alright, catch me next time.  Later Sons and Daughters.  I love you.  PS: Oh by the way if you're listening to the recording (at the top finger ☝🏾 ) and you are hearing my cohost in the background, the Coqui frogs, those are umm, well we'll talk about them next time in the next installation of "Moving to Hawai'i Part III: The Bug Edition! Spoiler alert!

👈🏾 Listen here! Today is April 6th 2024 and I AM MOVNG TO HAWAI'I. That was random. I know. I’m random. Well, not real ly  random, but to people outside of my mind…I’m random. Uhh right, well, seeing how everyone  is outside  of my mind, I guess I’m just random. Hehe (Michael Jackson), glad we got that out the way. Anyhoo, in actuality I’m having so many thoughts all at once and sometimes what comes out is, thought #1, followed by thought #15, and thought #15   seems random, but that’s only because you weren’t privy to thoughts #2 through #14. Soooo, yeah, yeah. I’m moving to Hawai'i.  My one-way plane ticket leaves from Florida to Hawai'i on April 18th 2024. Still feels crazy to say, “one-way” plane ticket. I’ve known about this move since November 2023, and it was confirmed January 2024, and it still does not feel REAL. Like I’m moving to where? By myself? Uhhh what in the heck is happening! The other day I was driving and it just hit me, wait am I really moving to Hawai'i bro? Oh my gosh! It’s crazy because, every once in awhile I'm going about my business and it hits me as if I’m just finding out I’m really moving. I think when I get there, and have NO RETURN flight home…THEN it will hit, like really HIT me….uhhhh you’re not going “home” because YOU ARE HOME!  Geesh.  Let that sink in… If you know me, you know this move is BIG. And obviously you don’t know me so, let me explain 😂 . I am 35 years old and have never, ever lived alone. I’ve always lived at home with my parents and my siblings and when I went off to college, I had a roommate, and when I went off to college again (Again? Yeah that’s another story) but when I went off to college again, I had, you guessed it…I had a roommate. So I’ve never lived alone. And when I went off to college, both times  I was maximum 2 hours away from home. And now at 35 years old, I’m moving to the other side of the freaking planet! A-L-O-N-E. Well, physically alone anyway. Because I’m never actually alone. Which is something God had to remind me of when I was on the plane heading to Hawai'i FOR THE FIRST TIME…for my job interview. Yeah, you heard me correctly, the first time I went to see the place I intended to pack up my whole life and move was when I went for the job interview. Some people find it strange that I applied to a job in Hawai'i and got on a plane, to go to an interview for a job without even actually visiting Hawai'i. I actually didn’t find it strange at all. HELLO its HAWAI'I!! 😂 Also, one of my desires is to travel and live in many different countries. Ideally if I had my way, I would live for 2-3 years in a different country and just keep doing that until my husband, kids and I find a place we can not leave because we love it so much or we get “too old” and can’t live that lifestyle anymore. I put “too old” in quotes because I don’t actually think I will EVER be “too old” to live out my dreams of traveling, but I understand some do believe this…unfortunately for them. Oh and no, I’m not married, and no, no kids either…YET. But that’s my dream. Once again, another story for, another day. 😂 Where was I? Oh yes, Hawai'i!!! So the first time I went to Hawai'i was when I went for the job interview, and I took 3 planes to get there. Florida to DFW (Hi Uncle Tim, I love you), DFW to Honolulu, Honolulu to Hilo. On that second flight, from Texas to Hawai'i, I had a WHOLE meltdown. A whole one. Not a partial, 2% is healthier…A WHOLE MILK MELTDOWN. Do you hear me? Now to the other passengers, I just looked like I was sleeping but inside...ooohhh inside, inside. Lord Jesus it’s a fire! So the meltdown kinda went like this…. Looks out the window. Sees nothing but the Pacific Ocean.  Flying over the Pacific Ocean Oh my gosh, oh my gosh. WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING? I HAVE BEEN ON THIS FLIGHT FOR 3 HOURS AND I STILL HAVE 5 MORE HOURS TO GO. WHERE IS THIS PLACE? WHAT AM I DOING? AM I REALLY GOING TO MOVE THIS FAR? TTHHIISSS FARRRRR? THIS FAR AWAY FROM MY FAMILY, MY FRIENDS, FROM EVERYONE I KNOW. BY MYSELF. GOD DID I MAKE A MISTAKE? DID I MISS YOU? DID I NOT HEAR YOU CORRECTLY? WAS THIS JUST ME DOING WHAT I WANTED TO DO AND YOU WERE NEVER IN IT? That’s what I was thinking…and it’s in all caps because it was in all caps in my head 😂. So after freaking out for idk how long, I just heard the Holy Spirit say….“You’re not going alone. You are never alone. I am with you. And even if you had someone going with you, they could never BE WITH YOU, THE WAY I AM with you”. Welp. Meltdown shutdown! Close the whole milk meltdown factory! 😂 I won’t say that I was instantly 100% better and calm and no longer scared, but I will say, that I was resolved. Resolved means: “firmly determined to do something”. In that moment God affirmed me. He reminded me…I am not alone. He is with me. As I am writing this, the Holy Spirit just made me realize something, when God said, “I am with you”. He was saying I AM….with you. The same I AM that sent Moses to tell pharaoh to let God’s people go (Exodus 3:14). The same I AM that caused the blind to see and the deaf to hear, the lame to walk. The same I AM that answers by fire and send rain in a famine. The same I AM that filled the ditches with water even though there was no rain and no wind to show these ditches would be filled (2 Kings 3:17). The same I AM that the winds and the rain obey, because he is The Creator. The same I AM that raised Jesus Christ from the dead. The same I AM who is able to be everywhere, at every time, at the same time, all the time. The same I AM that is able to be everything I need Him to be, when I need Him to be….He is...friend, father, savior, love, protector, healer, confidant...Lord. I could go on, but you get my drift. He was telling me, not simply that He was with me, He was telling me that all  of who I AM is, was with me and is with me. I didn’t even realize this until right now as I wrote the words, “I AM with you,” woah.  One thing that I am praying that Hawai'i affords me is the space to write. I am a writer. Have always been a writer. Since I could write, like actually write words in like elementary school, I’ve been writing poems and stories. I have always been a writer…but depression took that from me. Yeah, you guessed it, yet another story for yet another day 👀 …My prayer is that being in Hawai'i gives me the space to write. By space, I mean, the mental clarity, the fresh perspective, being in nature, being in a place that is slower paced and the atmosphere is just...different…I'm not exactly...I’m not sure exactly how to explain this, but I’m praying Hawai'i affords me the ability to do a lot of the things I once loved but no longer do. And I believe this will happen. This post is proof. I’m not physically in Hawai'i yet, but it has still pushed me to write. And in writing, the Holy Spirit is speaking to me. Interview trip to Hawai'i Yo, I don’t even know if anyone is ever gonna see this post, because I’ve always wanted to start a blog, I always told myself that I’m not gonna go and start the blog until I have enough post to actually post . And why I did that was because, I have a tendency to be very excited about something, I put money for a platform and don’t actually do what I said I was gon' do. For example, I pay gym membership money and go to the gym two times, but yet them people still taking my money every month. Hmm can anyone relate? 👀 So, in order to not go down this familiar path, I told myself, until you’re actually writing regularly and have a good quantity of written works, you are not gonna go get excited about building a blog that doesn’t have any posts to post. Sooo, if you do end up seeing this, and I hope you do, because that would mean I kept my word to myself…I hope you’re not seeing it in the year 2056 😂 .  Anyhoo, this feels like a good place to stop. 🛑  Alright, catch me later. Later Sons and Daughters. I love you.