Jake & Jamie Part 4

Dear Jake

I would normally say, that is definitely moving too fast, but like I said before, I feel as if I’ve known you forever. So yes! I definitely want to spend the weekend with you. Just send the details and I’m there! Dinner and a walk in the park sounds amazing! I can maybe cook dinner one night and bring it to your hotel, I don’t really care what we do, as long as I get to spend time with you.

By the way, you say your hometown in Oxford? I have family there, I can come see you next time I’m visiting my family.  

PS I’ll be sending another email to address everything else, I’m at work right now and just wanted to respond quickly so we can get everything ready for our weekend. SUPER EXCITED!! 

Sincerely Jamie,

12/03/1997

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Dear Jake

I am so sorry to hear about what happened with Darrell, especially because you guys were so close. Irish twins! Wow. I can’t imagine the pain that must have been for you and your family. Although, I didn’t know my sister because she died way before I was born, there are many times I still grieve and feel that loss. All the, “What could have been” questions. Would we have been close? What was her personality like? Would my parents have been more relaxed had she not been killed in such a terrible way? I’ve tried so many times to talk to my parents about her but they just can’t go there with me…we talk about everything else, and now that I’m older our relationship is so much better, but they still don’t want to talk about her. I just don’t get it. I mean, I understand it hard to talk about and after she died, they couldn’t have any more kids, they tried everything, and it was almost 20 years later after they had stopped trying that I came along. They were in their 40s. But since I’ve been talking to you, its made me think about my sister more and I tried to find out what happened, so I found an article and showed my grandma and made her tell me what happened. All these years she refused to talk about it just like my parents, but this time, I wasn't taking no for an answer from her and my grandma finally told me what happened. 

One morning my parents woke up and couldn’t find Lilly…Lilly, that was her name. They searched all over the house and eventually noticed the screen door to the back porch was open. My grandparents often kept the door to the back porch open with the screen door locked because it was so hot. Some nights they would forget to close the door and only notice the next morning that the door was left open. That summer the same thing happened, but the screen door was slowly wearing down and didn’t lock properly and my dad was meaning to fix it but hadn’t gotten around to it yet. When they saw that they ran outside and started searching and that’s when they found her…she was in the street just lying there, covered in blood. In the article there’s a picture of my mom and dad crying and hugging each other and another picture of Lilly, looks like maybe a school picture. She was smiling so big her eyes were closed shut and she had this beautiful dress on, that made her look like a princess. She looked like she had so much personality. I had forgotten what she looked like, because although my parents keep her room exactly as it was, they had removed all her pictures from around the house, and I wasn’t allowed to go in her room. It was never explicitly told to me, but it was this unspoken rule. One day she was everywhere, and the next day, she was nowhere. I think they took them down because of me, I was maybe 4 years old and I kept asking about the little girl in the pictures, she looked just like me so I was curious, I kept asking if she was me or if I was her, then finally my parents told me she was my big sister. Then the questions really began, I wanted to know where she was and why she wasn’t here with me, I wanted to play with her and I kept asking and asking everyday. I even started telling my friends at school that I had a sister and I think my teacher must have called my parents… because one day…I came home and she was gone, no more pictures of her anywhere. Even at that young age, I just knew, that I shouldn’t ask about her anymore, and I didn’t. I was a teenager when they finally told me she was hit by a car, but they wouldn’t tell me any more than that. 

After you told me what happened to Darrell, I went to my parents house and started looking in the basement, I mean all those pictures didn’t just disappear and there’s no way they threw them away, well I was right, I found them. As I’m writing this, I’m sitting in the basement surrounded by her, my big sister Lilly. She looks like she would have had the most amazing personality, just full of joy and laughter. She’s also so silly, there’s a bunch of pictures with her making the most silly faces. I can’t believe how much she looks like me, or, I look like her. I mean she looks so much like me that the only reason I know its not me is because of the background, and because I wasn’t as silly as her. I’m smiling in my pictures but my smile doesn’t quite reach my eyes the way hers did. She was so happy. And my parents look so happy with her. 

You said you kept everyone at arm’s length and didn’t really have deep, meaningful relationships…is that still true? Because the way we’ve opened up to each other makes me think otherwise.

You want to hear something crazy? Seeing Lilly in all these pictures, I don’t know, it has put this feeling in my heart that I can’t really explain, but, I feel like…I do want a baby…a daughter maybe.

Anyway, that’s crazy, maybe I’m just super emotional about seeing my baby sister who was taken from me so brutally…twice. Once by the person who ran her over and didn’t even stop, and then again when my parents took her memory out of our lives without any explanation. I found the school picture that they used in the article, I’m going to keep it with me. I just want her close to me. I can’t wait to see you Jake, I could really use a hug right now.  

Sincerely Jamie,

12/04/1997

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Dear Jame,

Lilly sounds wonderful. I think it’s beautiful that you want to keep a picture of her with you all the time and the school picture from the article sounds like a great choice. The way you describe her smile and her yellow princess dress, it really does sound like she was happy. I actually keep a picture of Darrell in my wallet too. I have ever since he died. I think it makes me feel like he’s still with me, in a way. Losing him has been the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I never thought about it until you said it, but I guess it was so especially hard because I lost him twice too…once when we drifted apart after the accident and then again when he died. My parents didn’t talk about him much after either. I think it was just too painful for them to talk about, especially my dad, he really had a hard time. I think he felt guilty for how hard he was on Darrell after the accident. I know it wasn’t fair to you, but I can understand why your parents didn’t talk about Lilly. And at the same time, I can understand why you wanted to talk about her. It’s just hard all around. Hard for them and hard for us.

Unfortunately I do have issues having deep connections since the incident. I feel like my fiancé was the only one I was really connected to, but now, looking back at that time, especially since we’ve been talking, I think a part of me unconsciously kept her at a distance too. I was there just enough, but not fully. It’s not something I did consciously, but I definitely didn’t let her all the way in, not the way you would expect one should let their fiancé in. 

I think it makes perfect sense that seeing Lilly has put a feeling in your heart about having kids. Looking into her eyes and imagining all the possibilities, like you said, all these questions of what could have been are going through your mind. Desiring a child almost feels like…redemption, in a way. It makes perfect sense. At least it makes perfect sense to me.

I attached all the details for our weekend. I can’t wait to see you and hold you. 

Yours 4ever, J.

12/10/97

How do you think this "weekend getaway" is going to go?

• Horrible! I told you to run Jamie! Run girl!
• Amazing! The connection is going to be even better in person
• Wait weekend? Didn't I say I was undecided.